Another hard day...

For the past few days, I seem to be battling a depression that I am having a very hard time fighting! Do you blame me much...One would have to be insaine to not be somewhat depressed knowing that this precious, little guy is not within arms reach!






Last night, I finally slept until 3am without Winston sleeping next to me (not that I mind him there, it's just hard to get a decent sleep with the little guy snuggled right next to me all night long).

When I woke up, I realized he was still in his pack-n-play asleep...however, when I reached into his little bed, his body felt different...not normal...it was dark and I couldn't see him, I began to shake his little body...he didn't move. He was so sound asleep it frightened me! I panicked! My mind began to play games. I thought he had slipped away from me sometime during the night to visit his big brother on the other side! It really scared me...I realized last night, I am not as strong as I thought I was. If I lost another child, what would I be like? A wreck? Strong?

Unlike Ed, the fear and depression has been much less for me...whether the Lord saw fit to shield me for a time from all of the anger and hurt that most people experience, I am not sure. Just as a baby begins to walk for the first time, with mom/dad holding those tiny precious hands for support and guidance, I believe the Lord has held my hands guiding my every step of this trial...But, now I feel as though He is allowing me to walk without his tender hands there for support. Don't get me wrong, I know He's there. I know that I can seek him out and call on Him for help, but, the support that held me up...it's not there like it was...I am feeling that fear and depression that so many feel after they lose a child, settle in my heart and mind. I hate it!!!

I don't know how to pass it off...I want to get rid of it!

My heart hurts...I am angry...not at anyone, not at the situation...JUST ANGRY!

I find lately that I am very critical of others...as well as myself.

Even doing the things that are right...it's not enough...Where is the PEACE?

Sadly, I find myself dwelling on the "What-ifs", which is exactly what I was prompted NOT to ever do immediately after the accident occurred. Even before I knew what the outcome would be. I know where this will take me...There is no one to blame, there is no way to change it...and dwelling on it only brings more questions and pain! So why do I do it? I suppose it's the guilt..."I am the mother, I should have been there to protect him." Ed has described the same guilt.

Maybe the Lord is allowing me to walk and experience the pain that others feel so that I will be more tender and understanding of others in similar situations. A "future tool" in His hands, once proven worthy.

I feel so terrible. I thought that I was strong...turns out, Heavenly Father was holding me up...now He is allowing me to walk a few steps on my own...I know that this is the way it works. How can we learn to walk if our feet never touch the ground...What if that sweet gentle hand never releases ours so that we can take those first, precious, baby steps on our own? We wouldn't experience life the way it is meant to be experienced. I know that we have to experience the bitter before we can understand the sweet...I just wish that the road was a little less rocky. The stones and rocks are hurting my feet!

I hate that I have to experience this. It does, however, make me appreciate what my husband is experiencing. He has been so brave. He hurts so much...and misses his "little man".

Sometimes I wonder if while the Lord carried me through, He allowed Ed to walk, and now He has set me down so that Ed could have a turn being carried. (Much like we do as mothers with our small children.) Believe it or not it is the one thought that gets me through. Ed deserves to be carried for a while. He has carried quite the load. I love him more than words can express.

My thoughts constantly are turned to the words of the apostles from last conference...ENDURE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! PRAY! STUDY! SEEK! I know that God is mindful of me and what I am going through. He is mindful of Ed as well as each of our children. I know it is time to walk on my own and seek and pray and figure it out...I also know that when it becomes to much, He will pick me back up and carry me through!