Nothing normal about these last few weeks...

 July 14
I can't sleep tonight...although I really should try.  Mom's house is full of toddlers and they are sure to wake early!

I believe so much that our life is just one big, giant, puzzle...and that each of the pieces are strategically placed at just the right time.  The Lord's hand is so very much in our lives if we choose to see it....

Ed was scheduled last Monday for an MRI on his knee...and without going into too much detail, the apt. was canceled and rescheduled at a different office, on a totally different day, in a totally different location in the Valley.  I could have been upset, but choose to look at it as a way to see my family for an afternoon instead. 

It was planned as a short trip and so we opted to take one of  Lana and Roy's boys, Coy, with us...thinking that it would keep the older boys entertained while we went to Ed's apt.  While on our way down Thursday late afternoon, my dad was admitted into the ER for a fever...something that cancer patients have to be so careful about.
At first it didn't seem to appear too serious, but when Ed and I went to visit, he was certainly struggling a lot more than I expected to see.  We were told it was from the nausea meds. that they had given him.  He was so pail and weak.  He couldn't even roll over on his side without assistance from Ed.  He was completely coherent and alert of all his surroundings, but just so totally weak and sleepy.

By Friday morning, after a long night in the ER's observation area, they finally decided to admit my dad into the hospital for some further testing.  The nausea continued and the coughing was sometimes unbearable for him.  I went home, took the kids to cousin Reece's B-day party at Makutu's Island in Chandler and then swimming at Emily's home.  (Which was a nice break for all of them I am sure).  The day hadn't gone much like we had planned at all.  Ed's 1hr. apt. turned into a 3 1/2 hour apt...needless to say he was VERY frustrated!  However, it proved to be a blessing for me because it allowed me a few hours to spend with my dad and mom at the hospital that afternoon while I waited for Ed to finish with his MRI.
Friday night my mom came home to rest.  She had been awake for many hours and was exhausted!
Saturday my mother and I returned to be with my dad.  He looked better, to me that is.  My mom would say otherwise.  He was really having a difficult time breathing. The fevers were still coming and spiking very high at some points.  No one was sure why though.  Lots of tests were done...but, still no idea what was causing the fevers.

Sat. July 14, 2012

Mom watches and stays by his side...won't leave him this time.  She decides to stay for the night.  Dad coughs and struggles to breath now for some reason....still unknown.  His eye's shake and his speech slurs...the doctors are concerned that he may have had a stoke...fortunately, they are incorrect and his CT scan comes back fine.  Mom unbearably watches him struggle. 

Both my brothers-in-law Wes, and Bryan assist in a blessing at my dad's request. 
We share a silly moment...something about speaking in tongues.  I hope to never forget!  =)
The nurses and doctors do some more tests and try to offer help because my father can no longer get up on his own...Dad looks so sad and almost as though he has given in... The look in his eyes makes me weep.

Sunday July 15, 2012

Sunday morning they take him to ICU to intubate him and hopefully help him breath and give him some much needed rest.  I get there just in time to see them wheel him out of his room and down to the ICU floor.  I ride with him in the elevator.  He isn't as coherent anymore, but is alert enough that I can see he is concerned...worried?  I tell him I am there...he struggles to breath!  It makes me cry!

Mom calls family to come to the hospital for a family counsel and prayer.  Every one's concerned. Everyone has questions.  Dad's heart rate drops and the nurse calls a "Code Blue".  Scares all of us!  (Apparently dad's heart rate was erratic and the nurse needed help.)  We still don't have any answers...and neither do the doctors. 

The blessing given to my mother and the family prayer that was offered was so pure and perfect.  It was a moment that I hope to NEVER forget.  I have felt "Heaven on Earth" before and I recognized it again in these tender moments of family prayer as we held hands and prayed together in a little room on that ICU floor.  I wonder now if at that moment my earthly father was there in spirit with us as we prayed on his behalf.  The only family members, at that point, that were not present were my sister Cyndi and her family and my little brother Tim and his family.  The rest of us were present to witness that special moment...I wonder if they all felt this way too...?

We went home that evening...that is most of us.  Some stayed behind to be there with dad...my little sister was one of them.  She, like my mother stayed by his side most of the time he was there.  She is an RN and miraculously got her degree just weeks before my fathers diagnoses with the cancer.  A coincidence? ....I don't think so.  She was there almost every morning to hear the doctors reports on dad...and then in simple terms helped us understand what was going on.

Each day that passed held something new and different than the last...

We waited for dad to wake up from the sedation they put him under that previous Sunday morning when they intubate him.

Monday, July 16th, 2012

Monday morning... they stopped the sedation medication, and we waited...and waited...and waited.

I've seen on TV shows the miraculous recovery of patients waking from a long coma while their family members waited patiently and that's the way it felt, to me anyway.  I watched, as I am certain my mother and the rest of my siblings did for a sign that he was waking...blinking eyes, the quick shudder of his feet, a tight squeeze when we held his hand etc. 

I believe that it was on Thursday that following week (now a week after going to the ER) that my dad opened his eyes.  He would shake his head in response to the nurses cleaning his ventilator tube.  In my opinion it was obvious that he didn't like it.  Was this a sign that dad was FINALLY waking up?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Mom's discouraged again.  Dad's had a few set backs.

Sat., July 21, 2012

Mom says that dad doesn't look so good.  Doctors are discouraged and still aren't sure why he isn't waking from his slumber.  She prepares, I think at this point for the worse.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Mom calls everyone down to the hospital again for another family counsel.  This time EVERYONE is there.  All of his children...in one room...with dad.  We prayed with him and sang for him.  We told him how we loved him and thanked him for the sweet father that he was to each of us. 
The nurse removed his ventilator. 
Dad looks relieved to finally have that silly thing removed. 
He struggled to breath but continues to try...
We bring him home.
He continues to breath and rest...
We put his bed in the office were he spent so much of his time...reading, studying, praying, counseling and working.  It seems to be a very appropriate place for him.  I think that he likes it.
All of the family is home.  All of the family is safe under one roof...mother, children, grandchildren and even some extended family members.  We sit...we wait...we remember good times...we pray...we wait.  Some of  the family leaves for home.  Many stay.  Many wait by his bedside...especially my mother.
Mary attends to him and keeps his physical needs taken care of while mother holds his hand.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Somewhere in the early hours of morning, in between sleep and being somewhat awake, I receive conformation that "I don't need to be there and that I need to go home."  

I wake...angry...not sure where the source of anger comes from, non the less angry.  Ed heads home for work and to get ready for surgery on his knee the next day. 
I worry that I am just in the way.  I feel badly for my brothers that slept on the floor the night before because I, with my husband and baby got to sleep in the bed.  My older children want to go home...Is it hard on them to see their grandpa this way?  They complain more about being there. I begin to worry that my kids are causing more mess and commotion. I don't want to put anyone out.  I know my place is with my husband at his side while he prepares for surgery the next day, but I want to be with my mother and father and my siblings in these tender hours too.  It makes me angry at the thought of not being there and yet relieved all at the same time...is that possible?

Looking back I am certain that leaving was an answer to a simple prayer. 


Let me reiterate that I really believe that a loving Father in Heaven knows just exactly what we need...even if it makes very little sense to us at the time.

Needless to say...I load the kids and our belongings, and head for home.  Still angry...sad is probably a better word.

When I arrive, it feels so good to be home.  My friends, whom I would have to consider part of my family come to support.  They call, they stop by, they offer aid and help.  They cook for us, the tend the children and love us...much like my own family!

Tuesday Morning, somewhere around 3am, July 24th 2012...Pioneer Day!

I roll over somewhat aware of my surroundings...
Moments later, my brother-in-law, Wes, calls me..."He's passed Sarah..."
I knew it, before he even spoke a word.  I knew before I left that he would go while I was gone at home.  Somehow I knew, and it was OK.
As Ed was thinking it, I explained how excited I was for my father.  I was excited that he was where his spirit longed to be.  I was excited to know (and even a little jealous) that he would be able to see and hold my little boy again as well as his own son, by eldest brother.  I was excited to imagine my dad in the presence of so many other family members and friends greeting him with open arms...and having a party if you will...(and everyone knows, that I LOVE a good party!)

Another thought crosses my mind...how appropriate that my father waited until Pioneer Day to travel to the "other side".  He loved genealogy and history.  He loved his ancestors and the temple.  He and my mother both worked tirelessly on the Family History programs.  He IS a true pioneer himself!

Later that same morning...

I go for my Dr. apt. and hear this new little persons heart beat...not very fast... but beating none the less.
I opt to do that silly blood test...I feel I need to this time. 
I pick up Ed and drop off the children to my dear friend Lana Lou.  She will watch them while I take Ed for his knee surgery.
I wait...and wait...
Finally, Ed's surgery is done and he wakes up! RELIEF!
He is drowsy but not really in any pain...I think this will be easier than I thought...

Wed. morning, July 25th, 2012

We clean up the house, pack up again and load the Suburban for another trip to the Valley.  Only this time we are a little more prepared.  (Last time I only packed a few pair of clothes for each of us thinking that we would only be there for a few days.  I was constantly doing laundry in between trying to help my mother and father while he was in the hospital.)
We begin driving to the Valley...it rains tears half of the drive...but it is cool and beautiful and pleasant. 
We arrive and there are plenty of hugs and tears to go around.
My sister-in-law, Tina, and my little sister Mary and I go to the hobby store with our little girls to look for some fun decorations for the viewing.  It's a nice break...
When we return we discuss the funeral program...it's decided that Tim, Dan and Mary will all speak and Becky and Cyndi will say the opening and closing prayers.  Billy will give the family prayer and James will dedicated the grave sight.  Perfect.  The songs were picked..."Did You Think to Pray?", "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" (sung by the ward choir), "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again", and a special musical number by my niece Sierah (she will play the violin). 
The Pallbearers were picked as well as the Honorary Pallbearers.  And last but not least, the children would sing at the Graveside Service, "Families Can Be Together Forever" and my cousins son Tristan would play the Bag Pipes.  It was perfect!

We prepare dad's clothing.

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

My brothers get to dress my father today.  Mom will pick out a special place for dad to rest.  I am excited because I get to go with her.
Ed's knee swells...a lot.  He's in pain.  So much for thinking that it would be an easy recovery for him.  He spends much of the week on pain killers and sleeps a lot.  We go through a lot of ice...Poor guy!
He watches the kids with Wesley and Wyatt's help while I head to the cemetery with my mom.
Mom, Mary, Dan, and I sit in a little room waiting for the final numbers to be put together for cost in regards to the burial plot.  Mom witnesses one of many tender mercies while we are there....the cemetery misquoted her and decides to honor the misquote as well as they generously give another discount to help with the costs. (We ate straight-from-the-oven cookies while we waited...they were yummy!)
We take a drive to his special plot.  It's perfect!
Mom and I pick up more ice for Ed, then we drive to the funeral home to help dress dad.
Mom and I sneak into the chapel to see dad.  He looks different.  Seems a little strange to be there.
Boys arrive.
We have a special prayer.
They dress dad.  He looks very wise. 
We have a good time talking and reminiscing.
Wish that I could have captured dad's hand in some plaster like they did for my little Waylon. 
I miss my dad.
Take the little boys to get their hair cut (Wesley, Winston and even Wyndel gets her hair cut.)
Drive to Chandler mall so that I can take the kids to the LEGO store...going to pick out some LEGO's so the kids can build Grandpa something as a tribute to him and all of the special dates that he took them on to the LEGO store.
Mom's ward brings in dinner.
Karla and her mother, Caleb and Jeff arrive.

Friday, July 27th, 2012

The Visitation day...
Mary, Karla, Karla's mother, Wylee, Wyndel, Lauren and Lily (my nieces) my mother and I all drive to mom's favorite clothing store.  We pick out some outfits for her.  We all had so much fun.  She looks lovely! 
We gather some of dad's "favorite things" and items that remind each of us about him (sheet music, a saxophone, his clarinet, some well marked books, some favorite quotes, the LEGO tributes, pictures, and more).  We drive to the chapel where we decorate some tables in preparation for guests to arrive that evening for the visitation.
There are lots of flower arrangements and plants from so many loved ones.
It turns out perfect!

Sat., July 28th, 2012
The morning of the funeral

It's cloudy.  It looks as though the Heavens may cry.
We arrive for a the viewing and a Family Prayer.
Many come.  Many pay tribute to a wonderful, almost perfect man!
The funeral was lovely.  My siblings said just what I think my father would have them say.  They bore testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, prayer and the power it holds, family, the importance of scripture study and so much more!  It was almost as if my very own father was there to whisper in each of their ears what he wanted to say but no longer could.  He lived his life with a desire to be the very best that he could be...in everything he did.  He wanted to be perfect like the Savior.  And in my opinion he was pretty darn close!  He raised his family in the gospel.  He was a missionary to all.  He achieved much and will be honored by many...both here in this life and the life after!  There is no doubt in my mind that he is one of the Lord's choice spirits!

The music was lovely...I especially loved the "Did You Think To Pray" song.  It was so appropriate.

The funeral procession was  special.  It went on for miles.  There were many that pulled over to the side of the road and stopped for a brief moment.  There was even a man walking down the sidewalk whom (so I am told) took off his hat and held it over his heart out of respect....It was as if they all knew someone special just departed from this earthly state.  It was a sight to behold.

The Graveside ceremony was short and sweet.
My little brother James gave the dedicatory prayer.  He knelt out of respect...for my father ALWAYS knelt to pray!  It was sweet.
The bag pipes were amazing.
We all had the chance to put a bright Gerbera Daisy on his casket and even a little dirt if we so choose to.  The children loved it.  Many participated.

After was a luncheon for the family at the chapel.  The Relief Society sisters really did a fine job.  A task that was not easy I am sure...especially with a family of our size.

We talked, reminisced and shared stores.  Amongst some of my favorite stories were the ones told of the times that my dad spent one on one with each of  his children...and even grandchildren.  Apparently I am not his favorite...he loved us all just the same.  But, I sure am grateful to feel like he loved me the most! =)  He always made me feel like I was the favorite one and that I was dear to him!
I suppose that may be one of the reasons his parting is special to me.  I know where he is.  I know I will see him again.  I never doubted his love for me, and I think that makes it all the easier to say goodbye for a time. 

Daddy...I love you!  Thanks for being the best father, friend and example a daughter could ask for.  I know the Lord is well pleased with the work that you have accomplished here and will continue to accomplish there!