I should be better...

I should be better about journaling. I have become so "busy" lately.

A few weeks ago, someone from our Stake called and asked me to be apart of a panel of women for a Relief Society seminar. We are supposed to share a bit about ourselves and prepare to answer questions on the topic of "Enduring Well". Hahahahahaha! Me? Enduring well? Hahahahahahaha! Actually, I did laugh out loud at her! Anyway, I said yes, that I would help out in whatever way I could.
That same week, Ed & I were asked to speak in church. My topic was "Prayer and Revelation". Since then, my mind has been going a mile a minute. I can't seem to learn or take it all in fast enough.

For months I have been prompted that ALL of the answers to ALL of my questions are in the simple truths that I have been taught since I was a toddler....PRAYER and SCRIPTURE STUDY! Why does it take a life time to recognize this?

I went to a brief meeting in preparation for this seminar the other day...I'd be a liar if I said that it went swell. I left confused, embarrassed, and sad. Some of these other women are "Saints" in my book. They've lived a lifetime of hardship and have truly "Endured Well"...all the while smiling through it! I want that! I want to be Happy and Endure Well too. So, what's the trick? Doesn't "enduring well" mean getting through it not just successfully, but hopefully joyfully too?

Well, when I asked these other ladies about "enduring with a smile" or feeling the peace while enduring, one turned and looked at me and said..."Time is a wonderful healer Sarah." OK...I believe that completely. But that still, in my opinion, didn't answer my question. How does one get though the trials of life and find "Joy in the Journey"? It's a question that had been on my mind a lot, and I wanted answers...And, since these other ladies had already walked a similar mile or more in my shoes...I figured they could answer that!

As I said earlier, I left feeling sad, and a little embarrassed.

(As a side note: I had my two oldest boys and my 3 year old and 1 year old with me at the church building. The older boys had a church ball game there so they were going to take turns watching Winston for me. Somehow, the two older boys forgot about Winston...or thought that the other was watching him. When I was finally finished with my meeting, I walked out to find my little Winston hovered up against the wall in the hallway crying. He was so embarrassed and sad because he had wet his pants. He couldn't find a bathroom~and even if he had found one, he was too little to open the door by himself. I was embarrassed and sad for him too. I felt I had neglected him while I sat in a meeting I had a hard time finding the purpose in. I was upset with my older boys for letting it happen. Needless to say I left the church with no answered questions, a bit embarrassed for adding my opinion, feeling like a neglectful mother and sad that my little guy was so upset...oh yea, and angry that my two older boys left him to fend for himself!)

I didn't let this get the best of me though.

The day of the Seminar came...It was beautiful. However, I still feel like they could have done without the last part where we were ask to speak. In my opinion it was an hour of sad stories! I've heard others agree too! It's been a while since I have felt that kind of heartache. I don't want to go there again. I shared things that I don't normally share. I told things that are sacred to me about my experience to women that I hardly knew. There is a scripture that came to mind after the seminar that probably explains my feelings best..."...neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet...". Not that I think these wonderful women were by any means "Swine", but I shared some things that I rarely share with my own family. Things that are private and many may never understand. There are some things, I believe, that are shared by the Spirit that are meant only for the receiver. Hence the reason I felt badly for sharing some of those things. My intent was NOT to focus on MY hardships... I tried not to tell too much...but as usual, I opened my mouth and as usual spewed out more info than needed!!!! Ugh...A lesson learned hopefully. Note to self.

After that seminar...which really was good...minus that hour...I learned a few things. We all do HARD things EVERYDAY and I wouldn't trade my "hard things" for any one's "hard things". I DO get through them...and although having a smile on my face as I do so is a great goal, Hard things are just that...HARD....and so not smiling or feeling joyful as I am going through each hardship is OK. In fact, come to think about it...Isn't it usually afterwards that we smile and feel joyful that we GOT through it!? So...the lady that spoke up and said, "Sarah, time is a wonderful healer, was correct!" Time is a wonderful healer...it allows us the opportunity to heal and feel the peace and therefore when the trial is over, we can feel happy again. But...I still want to learn to be happy in the middle of the "hard things" that I do.

The last few weeks, I have also learned...

We are all given trials. Trials change us....most of the time for the better, but sometimes for the worse. I think that most of us don't want to "JUST" get through lives challenges, I think that most of us want to get through them happily. In reading from the scriptures, the Ensign, the new Relief Society book "Daughters in My Kingdom", and Elder Bednars new book "Increase in Learning", I am finding that:

Simplicity

Attitude

Prayer

Listening

Revelation

Studying

Asking

Scriptures

These are all key to finding that "JOY in the JOURNEY"...but, the two that struck me most were Simplicity and Attitude.

Sister Bednar said something like this..."You can't wait for the next phase in life to do what needs to be done now. Soon life will have passed you by." I thought about that.

Am I waiting for something to change in my life so that I can be happy?

****A few weeks later...

I am back to answer that question...

"Am I waiting for something to change in my life so that I can be happy?" Yes, I suppose I have been. I keep thinking...

"I'll be happy WHEN springtime is here and the snow and cold are gone for a time...a LONG time! "

"I'll be happy WHEN my father gets through this new challenge placed before him."
"I'll be happy WHEN we know where life's journey is going to take us."

"I'll be happy WHEN my kids are in bed and I have a few minutes to myself."

"I'll be happy WHEN my husband is completely finished with school."

"I'll be happy WHEN summer break comes and I have my kids to myself again."

"I'll be happy WHEN darn wind isn't blowing!"

"I'll be happy WHEN we have a place of our own again!"

"I'll be happy WHEN my kids learn to pick up after themselves!"

I could go on and on...but my point is...I am learning that my ATTITUDE makes a huge difference in my happiness.

While at the doctors office with my dad the other day, the Dr. pointed out, "...the cancer could kill you. The chemo could kill you. We don't know what's going to happen....and for the next few weeks, it's going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride....". It wasn't very reassuring to me, but he was only pointing out the hard facts, (things that could happen to anyone with cancer). The Dr. then took us to another room where he introduced us to a nurse...a very nice, kind and lovely lady who would explain to us the procedures that would soon take place to get rid of the cancer. She proceeded to tell my father... "It's all in your attitude you know. If you have a positive outlook on how you are going to get through this battle with cancer, you will get through it just fine."

Another day, another "hard thing" I can Choose to be sad that my dad has cancer, or I can Choose to be happy that the kind he has has a high cure rate and have faith that the Lord will bless him with the best doctors and nurses. I think that I will choose the latter of the two. And I have a testimony that Time and Attitude play a huge part in how much I will smile through it all.

And so...the journey continues...And I choose to find the Joy in it.