Angry Phase????

I must be at that angry phase...I've heard that there are many different phases that one goes through after losing a child. I think that I can speak for Ed as well on this one. It's been a hard week. I wish that we could somehow maneuver around this new phase, but somehow I think that it is necessary to help in the healing process. Sounds weird, I know, but I feel like the Lord is just waiting for us to hand this over to him.

Lately, I seem to "wear my feelings on my sleeve"...It's as though I can't escape them...I told Lana today that I wished I could just go someplace where no one knew me, just to be alone. It's kinda hard to do that here. And really...would it help?

I've allowed myself to question my very own testimony at times...Do I have enough faith to get me through? I know that I do, and I know what the answers are...It's a matter of humbling myself enough to do the things that I need to, to strengthen the testimony that I do have.

What seems to amaze me most is when I have days like these, and I feel like I have been forsaken, all I have to do is kneel...and there He is again. Just waiting...wanting to help.

Today, was certainly one of those ugly days. I'm not sure that there is any word that I can think of, other than "Black", that describes the feeling that I am talking about.

It seemed that I wasn't going to get anything right today. Ed and I started the morning off arguing because the dogs discovered that chicken eggs are tasty (we couldn't figure out where all of the eggs were going...now we know.) Winston didn't want to be set down, he wanted to play and explore his new little world, and he needed mom's help to do that. I had scouts and no game plan. The house was still a mess....(I am slowly coming to the conclusion that it will never change.) And, what in the heck was I going to do for dinner?

While ironing with one hand, calling moms to remind them of scouts with the other, and bouncing the screaming baby in the bouncer with one foot, I finally broke down...I said the very thing that I regret most saying to Waylon just a few days before he passed away..."I can't hold you right now!" That poor, little, helpless baby...all he wanted was to be picked up. I swore to myself after Waylon died, that I would never tell my children that I didn't have time to hold them...and here I am again...the worst part is that I was too busy with my own list of "to do's" to recognize the prompting that all Winston needed was to be changed.

After my very unnecessary comment to Winston set in, I stopped what I was doing, picked him up, and went to my bedroom to change, feed and snuggle him. I picked up my scriptures read for a bit and then prayed that the anger would leave.

This evening while we were eating dinner, I realized that I had misplaced $220. I was very disturbed. I looked everywhere. I retraced my steps. I knew that the best answer to my problem was to ask for help from a higher source, but like I so often do, I tried to fix the problem on my own. Eventually, when I realized that I wasn't going to find the money, I hid myself in my closet and prayed for help. Would anyone believe that while I was still kneeling, I moved some bags I had on the closet floor, found a pair of jeans under the bags, and in the pocket was $220! Can you imagine my feelings? I was excited and relieved to find the money...but, at that moment, I felt tremendously loved by my Father in Heaven. It was just a simple prayer!

I'll be honest, I am ashamed it took me as long as I did to call on my Father in Heaven for help...wondering if He even cared about the lost money...and then, when He answered me so promptly, I wondered how is it that I question Him? He wants to help me...He wants to heal me!

Where has He been? He has been here all along!!! Waiting and wanting to help! I just have to do my part...seek and ask. Neither, I'm ashamed to admit, have I done in a while. What a testimony builder...I needed it.

So here I am...feelings all exposed again, but I am grateful for the chance to expose them.