For whatever reason, maybe it's hormones, who knows, the feelings and memories that I have of Waylon have become even more intense and often leave me with an overwhelming sadness that I can not describe. Through Heavenly Father, I have done, I think, quite well... but there are times, if I allow myself to think of that day for very long, I think I would fall to pieces.
Ed and I felt inspired a few weeks ago to trade two of our vehicles in for a newer Suburban...one with less miles and a warranty...and so we drove both of our vehicles over to the dealership and made the trade. Neither of us, however, expected the certain sadness we felt...I asked Ed if he was sad about the trade. What he said was exactly what I was feeling. "You mean because Waylon came and left us in those trucks?" He said. That was exactly it! There were too many memories of family outings and wood hauling. Picnics and trips to the valley and Idaho with him in those two trucks. Silly, I know...but so real. Ed then said something that surprised me..."maybe it's time we move forward." He is right. But, boy is it difficult...so, it's one foot in front of the other and one step at a time.
I told Ed a few days ago that I would be getting Waylon's car seat out of the attic for Winston to use...(This car seat was bought specifically for our little "Houdini" because he was master of escaping car seats...he hated to be confined). This did not seem to bother Ed like I thought it might...instead it bothered me. In fact, I found myself taking pictures of it and all of the leftover goodies he left inside his seat. For some odd reason, seeing his little, sticky spots of food and crumbs inside the corners of the seat make everything seem perfect again. Like he just left a piece of himself right there in that little seat. Ed sat on the bed while I played with the seat trying to decide if I should take it apart and wash it. I cried. I can't do it. He tried to console me...he told me it was OK to have all of these silly feelings...even over a car seat! Hormones? No. I think that it's OK to have certain things in life that one holds on to to help them remember the sweetest of memories. As silly as it sounds, those sticky spots are so perfect and I love them...if I wash that seat right now, I will be washing away more of Waylon, and right now, I am just not ready. I do miss him, and I am not ready to forget very much just yet. So, for now that little seat sits unused in the corner of my bedroom.
I told someone the other day how I hated to hear about people "dwelling" over their lost loved ones...Yet here I am...I'm sure that it is all part of the process of grieving and now I understand that. Yet another lesson Heavenly Father needed to teach me...
As I said earlier, sometimes the feelings of sadness are overwhelming and I am sure if I allowed myself to "dwell" on them, I could become depressed. But, fortunately, I know that Father in Heaven is only a prayer away...if I ask for the help, He will guide.
There are times, especially when I am holding and rocking Winston to sleep that I have these 'anxiety attacks' if you will. Sometimes when I look at him so peacefully sleeping, I see Waylon all over. It is a sadness that I can not describe and a hurt that is so deep...but, I thank God for sending Winston to us at such a vulnerable time in all of our lives...again he is such wonderful medicine.
Today during church, a good friend spoke about her little girl (one of Waylon's little friends) and her near drowning experience last weekend...I wanted to get up and leave, it brought back way too many emotions...but how grateful I am that her little life was spared! I prayed and told Heavenly Father that. I don't want others to feel this sadness, especially those that I love so much. She is such a sweet little thing...much like Waylon. So innocent and pure.
So, I guess I am back to the writing about my "grieving" experiences again...and that's OK!
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