Heavenly Father knows...

Been thinking a lot about the "Little Man" that came into my life and then left as quickly as he came.
I was thinking the other day about this pregnancy and how very different it is from the rest. Not sure if it is the fear of loosing another little one, the fear of something going terribly wrong during labor, the unknown...what is it that keeps me from allowing myself from enjoying this very special time...?
When I was expecting Waylon, I remember how excited I was, but I also remember some of the same fears and anxiety that I am experiencing now, however, I didn't let that change the fact that I tried hard to enjoy the whole pregnancy! The thought of it possibly being the last baby helped me want to enjoy every minute. Then came the delivery...I was terrified that something might not go right, but it couldn't have been any easier or perfect. After a priesthood blessing, Waylon came into this world screaming and 'wailing' from the very moment he arrived...(it's partly why we decided 'Waylon' was a very appropriate name for him). His wailing was as if he was protesting his arrival...like he just was not ready to leave that Heavenly home and those warm, loving arms that held him tenderly.
Before he was born, I remember sitting in the car with my mother in the Walgreens parking lot while we waited for a prescription. We talked for a long time. I remember telling her how afraid I was and how I just couldn't shake the fear of something bad happening to one of my children. (At the time, we were living at the ranch in Heber and it was so far away from everything...hospitals, doctors, family, friends, etc).
I wonder sometimes if I knew then that Waylon's life wouldn't be very long on earth, and so it was very important to not let any moment of that pregnancy and the time I had with him after go to waste. We spent so much time together as a family...more than I recall with any of the other children. We took so many pictures together as a family and of him. We were VERY close. I believe that little boy brought about that closeness and that Heavenly Father knew how important all these things would be to us...
I want to enjoy what is left of this pregnancy. How sad it is that I worry about all that "could" happen, and instead build a wall up to protect myself from disappointment. I should be so excited about FINALLY having another girl, and instead I worry. I know that it is lack of faith on my part, because even if something did happen, Heavenly Father is in control of it and knows very much what my needs are. He will only do what is best for me and for my family and for this new little spirit that wants to come to earth. I know this. It is just difficult sometimes to accept and understand.